Open Sesame...

After my divorce I moved another thousand miles further away from my father and brother.  Looking back over those years I say it is because I needed to hear my own voice in my head.  At the time though, I believe it was just because I wanted to go east and I saw the opportunity to do what I wanted.

I have had those lucid moments of acting on free will.  We always have free will. Sadly, for me, it is most often drowned in the jelly like fluid of authority.  My heart stops, my ears fill up-- I lose foothold on whatever hill or mountain top I was ascending and become the obedient, little girl once more.

At 48 I realize that no matter how many miles I travel, my initial response is to listen to what I am told. 

Listening to what I am told has stymied school, career and adventure choices. It has gotten me involved in fields of service and work simply because I was told, "you are good at it."  It has even led to sexual coercion.  With all of these, but especially with the last one, I carry a shame, believing it was my fault because I allowed it.

And I believe becoming aware of this shame actually opened up a door for me.  A slight light poured on the floor and through the door I saw opportunity--opportunity to say, "No." I believe I have tried before, but I have scurried back in when I was told to go to my room--to "behave," and remember my place.

I need to take the time to acknowledge just how deep that belief went in me.  So deeply that I, like a mermaid, in order to get acceptance, recognition and "love," gave up my voice, my will, my worth.

But now I believe I can make the choice to step out of that room.  I can throw the door open wide and wonder through other rooms, down hallways, into forbidden parlors, and, heaven help us, out the front door into a wide, wide open world of possibilities.

It would be nice if the hallways were empty, but alas, I am probably correct in assuming they won't be.  The naysayers roam the rooms I wonder.  So to combat the naysayers, those who in the past I quickly responded to by placing my tail between my legs and scurrying to where I was told, I choose to bring along my own companions.  Some I already know from my childhood, others from just a few years past, and others I have yet to meet.  But one thing I know, words are mightier than the sword, and books are full of them. 

And for my beginning venture into the dark and lonely hallway I need someone a bit irreverent and with teeth...I choose Uncle Stevie--Stephen King and his book On Writing. 

And you are welcome to follow the trail of words I write along my journey.